Hertha Wolff-Arend | Be A Woman & Act Like One | Paso Robles Business Coaching

My dog recently died.  His name was Johnny.  He was the best dog in the entire world and I loved him very much.  He was only three years old when he died.  I could have prevented his death, but I did not.  Instead I did not watch him carefully.  I simply did not pay attention and he managed to sneak into my car.  Outside temperatures were in the 90s Fahrenheit.  I shut the door and left my beloved dog behind in hell.  Only a few hours later I found him dead.  He looked like he slept peacefully, but his body was hot.  He died of heatstroke in the car, alone, waiting for me to take him for a drive.

This is a story of guilt, imperfection and deep pain.  Why do these stories have to happen?  I asked myself the question many times.  The animal lover kills an animal, the caring mom forgets her child in the car, the loving owner drives over the cat in the driveway.  “These are accidents”, someone told me.  “These are excusable mishaps that can happen to every imperfect human.”  But why did this have to happen to me?  I am a capable woman, well organized and in charge of so many things.  Nothing seems to be too much and I love to carry responsibility, especially for the ones that I love so deeply.  Many women can probably relate to my story.  We multi-task, we take on any responsibility that needs to be taken care of, and we even believe we can handle everything well,

Women know that they are needed and they do not want to disappoint anybody.  They want to give their best, all the time and at any price.  They love to be in the role of “we can’t do without you” and they soak up the appreciation and respect accorded them.  It is a wonderful gift to give.  But what happens when things go wrong?  What happens when the outcome of a project or a relationship turns into a disaster or just a disappointment?  Women tend to be very tough on themselves and they hardly forgive themselves for failures or mishaps.  Accidents seem to be unacceptable.  We cannot accept that something went wrong, and when it goes wrong we want to get punished – either by others or by ourselves.

With all those insights, I am wondering how women can follow their call for leadership and responsibility, but at the same time learn to be less hard on themselves when things go wrong.  My take on this is:  Follow your call in life, but expect that “accidents” may happen with a more or less severe outcome.  Of course, try to avoid making mistakes, but when they happen, you will pay for it.  Your pain is your punishment and it is a good thing to lie down and lick the wounds.  Take your time for sorrow and reflection but at some point you must get up again and follow your call:

Be a woman and act like one.

I am trying to follow my own advice.  I am mourning the loss of Johnny, every day, every minute.  Nevertheless I know that I want to move on.  I will take on another responsibility, because that is what I love, but I have learned from my mistakes and I will try to do better the next time.  I got a new puppy.  His name is Rocky and he will fill the gap Johnny left as well as he can.  I will help him to succeed, I will take care of him and I will slowly forgive myself for simply being “imperfect”.

If you want to find encouragement and empowerment, I invite you to visit my blog:

www.beawomanactlikeone.com

I am a daughter.  Like many others, a devoted and loving daughter for my mom.  Unfortunately life is not that simple.  Despite the love women share for their moms, they also have tension, struggles and painful experiences with the woman that gave them life.  The life our mother gave to us is also the life she seems to affect almost forever.  What is it that often makes the relationship between mother and daughter so difficult?

I would like to share my observations I had with various mom/daughter relationships, not to forget my own relationship with my mother which has no less conflict than in any other.

Let’s look back when we were teenagers.  We often saw in our mother our best but older friend.  We knew that we had to respect her, but at the same time we felt free to fight and argue with her.  What connected us was a deep and loving relationship.  Of course, we didn’t want to be like our mother, because that would have been embarrassing.  We were young, they seemed old and nothing could sell us the idea that we were like Mom.  Instead we were struggling to find our own identity and build the emotional independence we needed to be prepared for life.  Teenagers hate and love their moms, but in the end Mom is the one they need most.

After many years developing into a grown up woman or maybe into a mom, things change.  Women often argue with their moms, because Mom interferes into their love affairs or marriages.  Mom wants to tell us how we must raise our kids, she always seems to know better.  Mom is our toughest critic and whatever we do, it is either not good enough or too good to be true.  Whatever happens, somehow we do not manage to cut the cord.  We are hooked and trapped in love and despair.

I have met successful business women who lost their balance as well as their leadership role the minute they entered their mom’s home.  Although leaders in business, they were immediately demoted to just the daughter, and in that role they had to listen to what Mom had to say.  I am afraid that I am one of them, and I often wonder how I can instantly diminish into someone small and obedient when my mom is around.  I have been a managing director in well known advertising firms, but coming home always meant that Mom was the manager and I was at best the junior executive (if I got lucky and the service job was not vacant).  I have usually overcome these situations with a healthy sense of humor, but I was still not happy about this transformation.

Many women have told me that they suffered from the influence of their strong moms all their lives.  They struggled with the problem of not being good enough no matter what they did.  This was a burden they carried around all their lives, and only a few managed to escape from that spell.

As a business coach and mentor for women, I want to encourage women to step out of the shadow of their mothers.  I invite all you loving daughters to look at your mothers with compassion and love and be aware that it is not all about her.  Remember:  You are not obliged to please her.  Live your own life and look at the positive gifts you have received from your mother.  Trust me; there are gifts, and you will find them if you keep digging.

No matter if you are a mom yourself or a woman without any children, we are our mom’s daughters as long as our mothers live, and that is a wonderful thing.  You are very lucky if you still have your mom when you are older, but that does not mean that she can rule your life.  Setting boundaries to protect your personal space and the space of your family is very important.  It can be a painful process to exclude the beloved person when it comes to certain topics, but it is very important for your well‑being and your family that you define areas that are none of Mom’s business.

Nowadays when I enter Mom’s house I take a deep breath and try to stay connected with myself.  It would be a lie to say that I can manage it well, but I score much better than I used to do.  And whenever I fail and find myself in the role of an obedient minor again, I am very gentle with myself.  Rome was not built in a day, and the relationship with my mom is not a less complex project.

Our mothers are what they are.  The older they get, the more they show this.  Don’t even try to change them, because this will only lead to disappointment.  It is your attitude that you can change, and that can make your relationship with your mom work much better.

Be a woman and act like one.

There are often times when women have to go on a business trip.  It does not matter whether you are an executive or a sales manager.  Travel might be part of your job and the question arises, “How can I make the best of my boring business trip to a destination I don’t like, meeting with people that I am not particularly fond of and staying in a hotel that is not necessarily very impressive?”  Well, you can choose your friends but not your business trips.

Having lived in Germany for many years, I went on many business trips throughout Europe.  Some of the trips were fun, because they took me to great places such as Rome, Paris or London.  Others were really stressful and bad, because they took me to Rome, Paris or London, and the only places I saw were the airport, the cab and the meeting room.  You never really know what is going to happen, and sometimes time management forces you to keep the trip short and cost efficient.  I was Managing Director, so that I certainly had some influence on where and how long I wanted to stay.  Still there were outside factors that I could not ignore and that put me into the unfortunate position of taking a trip I did not enjoy.

What can you do when you are challenged to deal with these circumstances, and how can you turn a burden into a delightful adventure?  Here is what I propose and what I also experienced myself.  Remember whatever trip you take, you have to make it a valuable personal experience.  Be creative and think of ways to travel like a queen and not like a servant.

First of all, don’t forget you are a woman and shopping is always a satisfying treat.  There are shops everywhere and you can even visit the airport mall and treat yourself with a little something.  I remember buying bits and pieces at Heathrow airport that were a little bit more expensive, but I enjoyed distracting my mind from business and instead indulged in a little consumption.  You might say that this is a bit ‘girly’, and you might be right.  But I freely confess to being a woman.  The main thing is to make time for yourself and your needs.  Mine happened to be shopping occasionally.

One big rule for the woman who wants to travel like a queen is: Never forget to eat well and insist on breaks for lunch and dinner.  A clear mind needs breaks, food and drink.  When people tried to push me through an endless meeting with coffee and old rotten cookies, I specifically asked for a break.  I either expected to get some delicious snacks, or I insisted on a break that left me enough time to take care of myself.  There is no reason in the world why you should have to starve yourself through the day.  Business partners and clients will respect your desire for good treatment, and they will be happy to follow your lead.  Often managers are simply too scared to speak up when it comes to personal requirements.  Don’t step into that trap.  If you want to deliver excellence, you need to be treated excellently.  And if others do not take good care of you, you better take good care of yourself.  They will eventually realize that any engine needs fuel to function.  Therefore, always make sure you are getting good food for your brain.

Without exception, any meeting needs relaxing breaks.  This supports the success of the meeting and makes everybody feel more confident and happy.  After long hours of sitting and talking or negotiating, make sure you get a few minutes to stretch your legs and breathe.  If you are able to create a few minutes for yourself, you will be able to regain your strength and balance.  Especially when you are feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, it is useful to have time for re-centering.  This will help you to take better decisions, and you can stay in charge of the outcome of the meeting.

Last but not least, I want to encourage you to socialize with your clients or business partners.  If you visit a destination again and again and you have never seen anything other than the airport and meeting room, something is wrong with your management of the client relationship.  Engage in social activities and ask for a sightseeing tour, a cultural event or something else that reinforces these relationships.  We are business people, not robots.  One more thing: Make sure you stay in a pleasant hotel for overnight trips.  You are worth it.  A nice hotel makes you feel special, while an ugly and cheap hotel can make you feel like an underdog lacking self-worth.  I am sure you want to arrive at the meeting self-confident and relaxed, and a pleasant hotel will give you the comfort and relaxation you need.  To make the hotel stay even more pleasant, order room service and really feel like a pampered queen.

I truly believe that women can expect to be treated like women.  Let the guys carry your heavy luggage, let them open the doors for you and pay the cab.  Make them feel responsible for your well-being, and make them understand that only a happy queen will treat them well and lead them to success.  All the others who do not show you respect and make your business trip a military campaign need to learn a lesson.  Speak up for your own needs and requirements and turn the campaign into a fun and successful business trip.

Be a woman and act like one.

Success shows many faces.  Literally speaking, I am talking about women who are successful in different careers.  I recently met a successful business woman who also started a political career.  No, I am not talking about Sarah Palin, but there are many more women out there that show a lot of competence, power and grace in the business and political worlds.  Observing successful women in their roles as managers, politicians or any other profession teaches you a lot about female power.

Let me start to talk about a woman I met recently and who started her political career after having a successful business career.  She was middle-aged and experienced a lot in her life – not only fun stuff that was for sure.  When I listened to her speech, I was impressed by her knowledge, but what impressed me even more was her style.  She showed elegance, she was well dressed and she spoke with a pleasant voice communicating in a clear and straightforward manner.  Some might call her a woman with a lot of charisma, while I would call this authenticity.  She acted the way she was, and she was exactly the person she presented to everybody in the audience.  Her presentation convinced me, and the feedback from the audience was in her favor, too.

What is it that makes a speaker pleasant and convincing?  It is the whole package.  When you buy a great gift in a matching and beautiful looking wrap or box, the effect is fantastic.  The manner of presentation is an important factor.  Be aware of how you look and what impression you make on others.  It was a delight to both listen and look at the woman I met.  She had a strong message in terms of content, and she looked great (packaging).  Altogether it was a pleasure to listen and look at her.

At this point you might argue that not every woman inherited the gift of timeless beauty and grace.  Some women will say: “I am not beautiful and a pleasure to look at.  Nobody will love to look and listen to me!”  Others might raise the question: “Do I need to be beautiful to be successful or is beauty rather a disadvantage in competing in a highly competitive world dominated by men.”

Every woman is beautiful in her own way.  This “own way” is what I call authenticity.  If you allow the nature of your personality to shine through you are beautiful and others will pay attention to you.  If you then really have something essential to say, they will not only pay attention, but they will begin to trust and follow you.  This is what I call being successful.

You can see many faces of success.  You meet women in business, in politics and many other areas who make their way successfully.  You will see different faces and personalities, but what they all have in common is: substance and personality.  In the end this is what we like them for.  You literally don’t just buy a wrap, there really is a precious gift inside – the gift of authenticity and female power.

Be a woman and act like one.

Let me start by asking you the following question:  Do you take good care of yourself?  Most women will reply, “I guess I do”, or “What do you mean by self-care?”

There is no broadly accepted single definition of self-care.  It includes health, lifestyle, physical activity, healthy eating etc. just to name a few aspects.  My take on this topic is:  Be your best friend and take care of yourself the way you take care of the people you love.

Of course, this is easier said than done.  Women are often caregivers for the family, children or the elderly, but when it comes to ourselves, it seems like we neglect our own needs and requirements.  This does not work and will take its toll.  If you do not listen to your body and if you constantly deny your own needs you will in the end lack energy and enthusiasm.  Taking care of yourself is similar to keeping a car running.  If you do not take care of your car, no service, no oil-exchange, no maintenance at all, it will break down sooner than you think.  Self-care is maintenance and must become part of your personal and business life.

What about your business life?  I have met various women in leadership roles who did not understand the concept of self-care in the business environment.  Instead, they felt that in order to advance their careers they had to be slaves to their work and create slaves of their subordinates.  Wrong!!!  A strong leader knows how to protect her own interests and needs, while at the same time developing attention and care for co-workers and employees in order to establish an energizing and positive working environment. Why is it so difficult for some leaders, in particular women to reach out for support?  Are they afraid to appear weak or incapable?  That is by no means the case.  A strong leader knows how to delegate and ask for support.  This improves overall performance.

There is no need for extreme self-criticism or being too judgmental about the behavior of others.  Care also means being gentle with yourself and others and allowing everybody room for development.  Women often deal with a strong inner critic.  We rarely feel good enough, we often feel too fat, too ugly, too unattractive… the list is endless.  Send the inner critic away and embrace who you are and what you are capable of doing.

Now ask yourself again if you are taking good care of yourself, and if not what you can do to switch from denial to self-care.

I am convinced that the minute you start paying attention to your own needs, you will become a much happier person, a better business leader and definitely a better friend to yourself and others.  You will still have plenty of time and energy left for the support and care of the people in your life.

Be a woman and act like one.